The Haus of Garvie are G and S: two magnificent wonders who, while not performers in the traditional sense, embrace campness as a fully developed lifestyle. The Haus of Garvie expressively live being culturally gay. The world is our queer stage, darlings, and Garvie show us how it is done.

Describe for us the ethos of The Haus of Garvie
G: Basically imagine if Oprah, Jackie Collins, David Lynch, Leigh Bowery, Victoria Wood and Carol Leader from TV’s Choc a Bloc met for a coffee and a natter in a John Lewis Cafe, ran out without paying and went home for a glittery fuckfest and pizza party. The resulting spiritual, sexual and creative energy left over would somewhat resemble our ethos.
S: It came together quite naturally when we became a couple, and feels like the shared space in our lives where we are at our queerest. This is probably the first time I’ve really thought about what HoG represents in terms of an ethos, I guess it is a filter through which we view the world powered by our combined cultural obsessions. [Having now read my paramour’s answer I’ve made it sound far more boring than it actually is. So to summarise my answer: It’s a little like Nana Mouskouri eating Frazzles and watching Golden Girls the night before her audition to join the Hot Gossip dancers on The Kenny Everett Video show.]

NB: this question was posed and answered before Miss Jackie’s sad demise)
Joan Vs Jackie.

Who would win in a fight?
G : Well Joan is a fabulous actress, interviewee and a total mentor – her lifestyle book ‘My Secrets’ taught me everything I need to know about how to look after myself and be glamorous (flouncy, flouncy). But Jackie’s more like a good friend you could have a natter with over brioche and an e-cigarette. Joan would win the fight, she’s stronger, faster and will always beat you. This applies to all Joans.
S: Joan for the fight. She wouldn’t hesitate to punch you in the soft parts.

Who would win in a wig-off?
G: Wig off, hmmmm, I’m going with Joan because she probably has better connections (but then Jackie would get a better discount).
S: For the wig-off, again I have to say Joan. From hats, veils, snoods, turbans and wigs she consistently dominates headwear.

Who writes the best trash?
G: Best trash? You cannot beat a good Jackie Collins novel, it’s high quality trash, like prime a-grade glittery wonderwords. If you ever get the opportunity to listen to her do an audio book version, cut the face off anyone who gets in your way. In the late 90’s, after I broke up with Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, I worked on the switchboard in a prison. It was awesome because hardly anyone rang and I could play Jackie Collins audiobooks whilst looking at the new inmates getting out of the van. Her variety of accents is just sublime – and I mean the Victor Hugo interpretation of sublime. I could actually make a case that one of her early books, Chances, is one of the greatest novels of our time, but I do take a lot of prescribed opiates.
S: Trashy bookwise I guess you have to say Jackie right? But Joan’s lifestyle guides are very important literature – I mean how else would we have learnt that Black Pepper was bad for the gut?

Who would you rather go on a pub crawl with?
G: Pub crawl – Our Jaqs obvs.
S: For the pub crawl I think it’s got to be Jackie. Joan would want to go to the grandest places, but being fond of dingy, smokey bars I think Jackie would be my best bet for a good night out. She’d know the dirty places that smelt like cigars, sex and Chanel No 5.

Who would you rather be?
G: I rather like being me, but honestly I’d be either of them for a day. Although actually, no I’m going for Joan – as much as I adore Jackie’s interior design and swimming pool choices, the south of France is more appealing.
S: I would aspire to Joanhood – if only for the fashions. I don’t currently have the head to carry a leopard print pill box hat and if I were Joan it would become an option.

Showgirls is a Very Important Film about body glitter, tits, the competitive world of dancing and having sex in a pool with Kyle MacLachlan. Discuss
S: Elizabeth Berkley deserves sainthood for Showgirls. I can’t overstate enough how wronged that woman was for not being recognised as the film icon she truly is. That scene where she beats up Carver with her breasts? I died of joy. Future generations will rediscover this movie and truly recognise its importance to humanity, so mote it be.
G: Showgirls is one of the most interesting, complex and compelling critiques of capitalism and patriarchy in the western world. It reminds us that the only way to escape that bullshit is to cover our tits with red lipstick, beat the shit out of some fucknugget and leave town blaring out a Siouxsie and the Banshees song. Honestly, I’m obsessed with Showgirls. I love that you can watch it in so many different ways. Most of Verhoeven’s American films are like that: it’s great with pizza and vermouth, as a Rocky Horror audience participation event, or as a prelude to a pseudo intellectual discussion about post-modern, post-colonial, constructivist faffwank.

Is Dynasty your best-loved 80s soap or does it have competition? Can you tell us what appeals to you about the stylistic aesthetics of the genre?
S: I will admit to being less Dynasty and more Howards Way. Who can’t appreciate the power and glamour of the women of Dynasty? But when it comes to the many fashions and moods of Jan Harvey, I melt at the sight of every inch of her pastel leisurewear and frosted hair do. The soap moments I remember are always British ones for some reason – there is a lo-fi campery to 80’s British soaps that resonates with me. Bet Gilroy’s perm, the existential torment of Benny from Crossroads, Sheila Grant’s stripey jumpers and Pete Beale’s endless denim. All these images forever swirl inside my mind.
G: I’m going rogue on this one. Although Dynasty was hands down the best 80’s American Soap, we Brits gave it some stiff competition with Connie: a mid-80’s ITV “serial drama” set in the East Midlands Textile Industry. It starred Stephanie Beacham as Connie, a glorious being who comes back from self-imposed exile to take control of her family’s chain of high street clothes shops, ‘House of Bea’. This paragraph from Wikipedia explains it all:
The series is chiefly memorable for the high-octane performance of Stephanie Beacham as the eponymous Connie, chewing the scenery and snarling her way through such camp, metaphorical 80s big business dialogue as “My spoon is going into the gravy, my snout is going into the trough. I’m having some of that.”
Like, what else could a 6 year old boy ever want to watch with his mother? I was a blessed child. Aesthetically, ‘powersoaps’ gave us so much – beautiful gowns, inspiring hairstyles, evil twins, bulgy pecs and beautiful lips. I adore high camp obvs, and give me a boardroom scene where someone with a jeweled turban slaps their gloves on the table and I’m yours forever. But also on a completely serious and fundamental level I connect with to high-octane passion, loyalty and manipulation. I am half-Italian.
I want to be more interesting with character choices, but it’s the Alexis, Dominique Deveraux, Sable, Caress types. But also there’s something about Blake and Jeff that was comforting and stable – I like fundamentally decent people that fuck up, brush themselves off and keep on groovin’. Storyline-wise I’m more of a 90’s gal at heart. I like evil twins, cursed jewels, baby stealing, demonic possession, getting trapped in the Garden of Eden, Multiple Personality psychos, being trapped in burning buildings with a hot lesbian, coming back from the dead – that sort of thing. Although a corporate takeover is also a perennial delight. Melrose Place, Days of our Lives, Sunset Beach, Models Inc and 90210 were essential in the formation of my emotional development.

You find yourself in an enclosed room full of hairspray fumes and Bonnie Tyler is about to light up a fag. Do you: A) leap to knock the lighter out of her hand, B) whip out your video camera, knowing you can convince Jim Steinman to pen an appropriate epic for these visuals or C) something else..?
S: Fun fact: scientists have confirmed that the full uncut video for Bonnie Tyler’s “If you were a woman (And I was a man)” is the greatest pop video ever made. You can’t argue; it’s science. I think I would just sit back and let myself be propelled into oblivion in the explosion. I mean having a death certificate that actually read “Cause of death: exploding welsh pop star” would be worth it.
G: Regarding the above, the actual greatest pop video ever is the version of Our Glorious Leader’s Celebration with some fans (and Lourdes) dancing exquisitely.
It’s like she asked the Haus of Garvie Video Production House to make it. Also Stevie is never allowed to die. However, to answer your question, my mother seems to have some sort of beef with Bonnie Tyler from back in the day so I’d probably just discreetly exit and give mama a call.

Do you see yourselves as Bears?
S: I think of myself as a lapsed Bear. There was a while where I was quite into Bear culture as it was certainly where I found the kind of men I was attracted to, but more importantly it was a space where my body was found to be attractive. Being queer and fat can play havoc on your self-esteem when you occupy a mainstream gay culture that often celebrates unrealistic ideals for male bodies. Bear culture allowed me to experience being desired, which in turn allowed me to connect with my sexuality in a deeper way. But Bear culture can be just as rigid in its view of what constitutes an attractive body and I think just before I met G I was evolving beyond the need to be adherent to the rules of yet another subculture. It served me well but I think I grew beyond it.
G: Nope – Bear culture seems awesome but I’ve never really got into it. Anything that celebrates body diversity is good with me, although when it gets overly-fetishised I do feel a bit iffy – however, a bit of fetishisation is a glorious thing! I don’t align myself to any sect, unless it’s a weird murder/sex cult with an alien overlord and tea and cake at 3pm. When I lived in London I was a Duckies / Popstarz / Wig Out person but never exclusively. I mainly hung around musical theatre geeks and drag queens. Nowadays I’m a homebody who prefers the company of close friends, cats, video games, sofa dancing, Radio 4, RuPaul’s Drag Race, Real Housewives of Anywhere Except Cheshire Because What Kind of Travesty Was That Shit, good books, and S – the GarvieSect? Fundamentally I like being around people who don’t take themselves too seriously and are fun, self-aware, compassionate, weirdly obsessed with something (anything – I just like people who are really into something), don’t over indulge in small talk or platitudes and who champion and celebrate others. Being conversant in Oprahology is a plus because otherwise I would just bore them.

Is Haus of Garvie more gay or more queer or is it both? Can gay be queer?
S: Interesting, we were just talking about this subject today! I guess for me – and by extension what I bring to the HoG – ‘queer’ is the purposeful application of a ‘gay’ cultural identity (not that straight, bi or asexual people can’t be queer!). I look at my queer icons, such as Leigh Bowery, Quentin Crisp or David Hoyle, they all seem to me to have directed their ‘gayness’ into a very concentrated and purposeful form. Perhaps you could say that queer is what you get when you boil ‘gay’ down to its sludge.
While some in the spectrum balk at the term queer I find comfort in its inclusivity. Anybody regardless of sexual preferences can be queer. Our friend Pauline is heterosexual but most definitely queer – to me it’s not what you do with your genitals it’s what you do with your mind. Also it gives you space to explore your identity. In a post-Trans world.
G: I’m all about the Faggotry. To me, gay is Stonewall (the organisation) and queer is Outrage or maybe Stonewall (the riots). I think you need both in life, and certainly to get things done and to progress The Movement. A person can be gay and queer in my Eyes of Tammy Faye, but they both seem a bit serious, even Queer – as cool as it is – seems maybe a bit too much effort? My 20 year old self is disgusted with that comment. Sorry G – I love you, younger me, be kind to yourself and enjoy being a fat, fabulous queen. Anyway, at the moment I prefer the terms faggot, nellie, queen, petite-fleur or queerie for myself – other people gonna do them, but imma be me.
When we got married, a few friends were a bit like ‘ooh you’ve sold in’ (sold in is like selling out but with a really great result, see Liz Phair’s 2003 self-titled album for an example), but I was like, ‘we’re at Bletchley Park marking our homolove with people we adore and at least one child is dressed as Darth Vader. We had orchestral versions of This Charming Man and Defying Gravity playing through speakers as we walked through the room in jeans and there were weird toys and books from the 40’s surrounding us – I don’t care if I’ve sold in, sold out, turned it all about and shook it up and down and all around but that was a fucking perfect moment.

You’re well-known for your love of Drag Race. What do you think about the phenomenal popularity of the show and the resulting proliferation of drag superstars? Some might argue that it is making drag more mainstream. Others that it is making drag accessible to Babyqueers. Of course, it can do both. Do you have any thoughts on what the future of drag might look like post-Drag Race? Tell us your thoughts on the proposed Jonathan Ross-produced UK version.
S: I think it is wonderful that young audiences are learning about Drag, I think especially for queer kids of whatever flavour it can only strengthen the idea of gender expression fluidity, and encourage them to create themselves in their own image. But I don’t pay much heed to Drag Superstars as you easily spot some queens who graduate the show fade away quite quickly, even if they won their season. The best queens the show has produced have a perspective uniquely their own – winning the show doesn’t ensure superstardom.
I think inevitably the show has drawn drag into the mainstream, which is both a good thing and something to be wary of. For me the best drag challenges the audience as much as it comforts them and I hope the punk sensibility never leaves the artform as audiences broaden.
If the show were to end tomorrow it would have left a fine legacy of opening hearts and minds to a rich and vibrant artform. If nothing else it taught me how to tuck.
G: RuPaul is my spiritual guru. He is so wise and loving and real. I’ve been a RuGirl since I used to get his imported cassette singles from HMV so I’m incredibly pleased he’s still around doing the legacy work. Drag is so so so so so so so important right now. It’s silly, it’s serious, it’s glamourous and trashy, political and fun. Drag reflects society whilst at the same time reminding us that everything’s an illusion. That drag as an artform has an extra spotlight on it now is marvelous and I couldn’t be prouder of every motherfucker sharing their art with the world.
I think drag has always been mainstream and accessible in some form, what I like now is the more esoteric stuff is getting a showcase again, some because of drag race and some because more people are able to see what’s out there because of social media and technology allowing less mainstream stuff to find an audience.
Post Drag Race, or really just the future in general, I hope drag that celebrates femininity and humanity continues to grow and thrive. I don’t think drag has to be any one, set thing, but I can’t deal with any misogynist bullshit. I also respond well to Ru’s concept of ‘sassy, not bitchy’, but I would never want drag to be completely sanitised. Vulgarity is the spice of life after all.
I’m down with a UK Drag Race, and I’m glad JR is pushing it along. He is a love (that interview he did with Our Glorious Leader during her Erotica Epoch left a beauty mark on my soul). If it happens, I hope that Ru and Michelle Visage, as well as some British Queens, are involved.

They are resurrecting Murder She Wrote and you’ve been asked to write some episodes: what plotlines does your Jessica find herself entangled in and who will you insist that they cast as the guest stars?
S: I would really like to see Jessica in space. Possibly grown as a clone in 2099 to solve a very complicated murder. I would cast Patrick Stewart, reprising his role as Captain Jean Luc Picard, as her love interest in a similar vein to the throbbing sexual tension when she appeared alongside Magnum PI. The episode would demand costuming and set design similar to Barbarella. I also would require La Lansbury to recreate the zero gravity striptease; which having seen Lansbury’s Positive Moves exercise and workout video I have no doubt she would handle with aplomb.
G: I just came. Fabulous idea Lovebox! When I first saw the ‘Death Stalks the Big Top’ two-parter with Courtney Cox as Jessica’s niece I immediately planned the spin-off. There’s no need to redo the classic when there’s so much more of the MSW canvas to explore, so this is a continuation for me. Courtney Cox plays whatever her name was in that episode and is basically Jessica 2.0, but a reality show producer instead of an author (I’m thinking something like Amazing Race or a travel show so she has a chance to travel far and wide (or at least places that you can make Vancouver look like if we need to save some dollars), also she anonymously blogs about the murders so that we can keep the Wrote bit in the title and maybe get some narration). She has a more overt sexual prowess than Angela (think Jessica meets Kim Cattrall) and every so often she rings up or visits her aunt in Cabot Cove for advice or gossip so La Lans can keep a foot in and even have her own odd adventure. I’d keep the MSW formula, but maybe add an overarching serialised storyline across a season to satisfy the binge watchers – it could maybe be something involving the reality show crew.

Or scrub that and just watch How to Get Away With Murder – because it’s UHMAZING!!!